It has not been a terrible few weeks…but neither have I felt my usual vigor and excitement about life. I suppose holiday periods are expected to be a bit off when relationships and traditions change. I find myself caught in the desire to be grateful for all that I am and have…and feeling somewhat melancholy because of what is not the way I wish it to be. Guess that’s what being human, this human at any rate, is all about.
I have a hunch that part of what I’m feeling is related to all this open space and time, all this permission I’ve given myself to not do. I’m not used to it and it’s a bit disconcerting. Who am I really if I’m not busy, productive or helping someone? Really, who am I?
Yup that’s nailed it: an identity crisis in the midst of all this delicious opportunity. And that feels wrong somehow, like I’m wasting it or being ungrateful. More judgment. Interesting to notice that my discomfort is primarily my feelings about my feelings. Go figure. If I let that go … maybe things would improve. Worth a try.
Time to just let myself be where I am and how I am. I am in the process of discovering who I am when work and my relationship are not the key defining agents. I am in the process of allowing myself to simply feel what I feel. I trust that joy and that warm sense of contentment will come again. I do believe that.
May you also be where you are…trusting and allowing things to unfold.
2011, here we come!